I miss God.
I miss having a relationship with Him. I miss serving Him. I miss following Him and relying on Him and making Him my priority. I know, it's my fault. I slipped, I stumbled, I forgot to be a good Christian. I got hurt, I was broken. I felt like He wasn't there. I didn't feel the love that the church kept on promising me. I was numb. I said to myself, forget God. Forget that Savior crap. He's not doing anything to save me. He's not doing anything to shield me from all this hurt, from all the pain the world is throwing at me. I felt so lonely, I felt so alone. I felt sad, and hurt. I lost faith just as I lost everything that kept me holding on to Him. I lost trust. I lost Him.
I got used to living a worldly life. I am in showbusiness, the world is my oyster. I can do ANYTHING. I'm unstoppable. I have a good job, I'm independent. I stopped opening my bible completely, forgot the order of the books, forgot the memory verses. I forgot His words, His promises, but even if my brain did, there are still times my heart still longed for Jesus. There are times I still wanted to go to church, to serve Him, but I just kept making excuses. I said I want to go to a church that will accept me and all my shortcomings. A church that will teach me, and shape me, and help me get to know Him. I said I needed Him to use someone to lead me back, but no one came, so maybe He didn't care.
But still, I felt incomplete. Like I was living my life only for myself, but I wasn't wired like that. I felt like there should be something much greater than waking up, studying, going to work, then back to sleep. Something that will make me happy. And tonight, as I was doing my daily routine, I came across this video of Christian YouTuber Jeanine Amapola. What she said hit me so. hard.
"The more you abide in Jesus and grow closer to Him, the more happiness and blessings and peace will come to your life."
And then I realized... maybe that's why I feel so incomplete and empty. Maybe that's why that even though I force myself to be happy, I'm really not. Maybe that's why there are a lot of things that doesn't go my way, because He's reminding me that He's supposed to be my priority and that I promised Him, upon landing this job, that everything I will be doing will be for Him, but I broke that promise the moment I got deeper into this world. I completely left Him and forgot about Him. Instead I gave in to temptation, to living the "normal" life.
I listened to the song Jeanine mentioned in her vlog, and I broke down in tears.
Draw me again
Into the center of your love
Where I began
I know that you are still enough
Lord you restore
All the desires of my heart
Just like before
When I discovered who you are
I need you more
I need you more than ever
I need you more
Jesus I need you more
I will abide
Be still and know that you are God
For you are mine
And in your presence I'm alive
Here in this place
Within your shadow I am safe
Fading into the light of grace
What are the chances that these are the lyrics to this song? The first part is E-X-A-C-T-L-Y how I'm feeling right this freaking moment.
Yes, Jesus. I need You more than ever. I will abide.