Tonight, I felt it. More than I ever did in my whole life.
I would always say, "I'm used to it," or "I never feel that way," but I did. So much so now. It's not because I'm sick, it's not because I was shivering in my bed in the middle of the night and it's up to me to stop my body from doing it. It's not because I went to the hospital by myself, was asked by an officemate I bumped into at the hospital why I was there and who I was with, and how I know it took a lot for her to stop herself from asking why. It's not because I tried to prepare everything I need even though I felt like a knife was pierced through my skull before finally getting to lie down and rest. It's not because no one will take care of me now, because I am 100% sure someone will come to my rescue if and when I ask.
It's not any of those things that happened today. And I certainly am not writing this to get attention or to be pitied. Certainly not. Remember how I said I'll start pouring out my feelings again in writing -- not reading the whole thing twice and just letting everything flow through my fingers, correct grammar or not.
Anyway, back to my predicament. I felt lonely BUT, I also felt loved.
Is that weird? How can you feel loved BUT lonely? Here, let me try to explain it.
My uncle (who's basically my dad) calls after my check-up -- I know right, how do parents know these things, it's like they have a radar or something -- we talked about a lot of things before I finally spilled to him that I was sick. I told him I need to be tested for dengue or UTI tomorrow because my trangkaso only comes out at night. Of course he only picks up the word 'dengue' and you can immediately tell he was worried sick, asking so many questions and of course telling me to trace everything that happened before getting this fever. A few hours later, he calls again, and a few hours after that -- when it's already 3am there. I told him, "Wala to, Tito. Matulog ka na!" in a kind of annoyed voice pa. But really, I felt loved. So LOVED. Then he takes a deep breath and says: "Wala ka kasing kasama dyan eh..." and then there were tears. LONELINESS.
Raymond asks me how I am about every hour through text, even calling my cousin when I don't reply, instructing him what to do to make me feel better. I felt so loved. I asked him what time he's gonna be able to pass by to bring me the fruits I requested -- he said he might just bring it tomorrow morning because he's working late and he doesn't want to drop by when I'm already sleeping. Loneliness.
My mom brought me a lot of pasalubong when she came home to visit. Everything I asked for, she brought. I felt so loved. My uncle told her I was sick. She said she won't be able to go back to Manila because she's still somewhere else for something. Loneliness.
See, I don't want to sound like a complete spoiled brat, or a "millennial" -- because that's how everyone describes people nowadays -- but I hope you understand my point and see where I'm coming from. I don't want to explain further because I'd end up justifying everything and then I'll realize that I'm wrong and blah blah blah, but's that how I feel now, and... it kinda hurts.
I'm never sad, everyone knows that. But tonight I just felt like all the sadness and loneliness creeped up on me and let themselves out. At this moment, I'm kind of over it. Yeah, that quick. I'm always like that anyway. I'm mad then I laugh. I cry then I wipe my tears and smile right away. But it felt like the feeling left a small mark in my chest. Like a reminder so I would always know how to feel sad, or lonely every once in a while and not mask it with the "I'm tough, independent, I know how to live alone" aura.
Okay, emo Mary, thanks for the reminder, you can leave now.